Telling my troubles to the horses head on the wall.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Who am I when I am not myself?

Spring 1992?

Standing in your sunroom, the Freddy Mercury tribute on the television, I twirled slowly for your examination. My desire for your approval was like a bitter taste in my throat. No matter how hard I swallowed, I couldn’t drive it back down.

Summer 1992?

On my knees in front of you too stoned to realize that you have left the door open for your friends’ enjoyment. Every moment with you is a failed attempt to regain the control I lost to your brother. You never did believe me about what he did or maybe it just didn’t matter.

Fall 1992

Standing with you in the elevator, your opinions become mine before the 2nd floor. Little do I realize that by the end I won’t even recognize my own face in the mirror.

Fall 1996

Its 3 am and I am giving you permission to break my heart. You never had to hit me to cut me down.

Spring 1997

The way you look at me makes me feel new. Basking in the glow of your love I am transformed, healed, and made whole once more. When you touch me, the warmth stays with me for days. The reflection of our bodies together lights me up and my path is made visible once more.

Summer 2009

Imagine my surprise to learn that I am the same girl from the sunroom, wanting only to be loved and desired. But now everything is dark. There is no more heat and no more light. If I am always childlike how can you desire me as a woman? Who am I when I am not completely myself? Always asking for approval while waiting for rejection. There is nothing I wouldn't do to feel whole again.