playing with fire

You say that you are not trying to manipulate me and that you are doing the right thing. However, you cannot argue that you have been playing me like a violin, so don’t be surprised when the strings break. In the interest of our friendship, I spoke up when you (and I) crossed a line. Yes, I was having fun. There is a certain delicious pain in being made to feel that frustrated. That’s my kink and I am comfortable with that. However, I know that we can’t play with fire not get burned. What surprised me was your reaction. Frankly, I did not expect you to become upset. After all, it was you who declared that there would never be anything romantic between us. So if you knew the boundary was there why become upset when I point out that our behavior was inappropriate. You were just as aware of that fact as I was. So why become upset? 
I understand that you have been lonely for sometime and this saddens me, for as far as I can tell you are an amazing person. Yet your situation does not excuse your behavior towards me. 

I am so full that I can't find the words to express all my thoughts. I have been writing and erasing in this space for over an hour. Perhaps there are somethings that I should not publish publicly.

I learned some interesting things about myself this evening. Thanks to the advice of a friend I resolve to fear embarrassment less and respect my needs more.

2am

2am and too much tequila. It all has me thinking about kink. After much reflection I have come to understand something about myself. I'm kinky, perhaps not terribly so, but enough. I read the graphic novel version of "The Story of O" a few weeks ago, damn sexy. And though I found "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" to be boring, I can attribute it to bad writing (sorry Anne) rather than content. Although I am not against tender romantic sex, I don't crave it. My sex fantasies usually involve either some level of violence or coercion. Even when I reflect back to my earliest sex fantasies they involve either coercion or violence. The porn I enjoy is all pretty kinky. So here I am kinky girl in the straight and normal world. I know it's not unusual but I am not sure where I will go from here.

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to be exited that I am a whole size smaller than I thought? I mean sure its New York and Company and their clothes run big, but still... I fit into (and purchased) a size 4 today. I am reasonably sure that there is no reason to be happy about this but the three magazines I got in the mail today tell me differently. The cover of SELF is offering me secrets to lose 8 pounds and reach my "dream weight". If I lost another 8 pounds I might fit into a size 2 (again only at NY and Co) would that actually make me happier? I don't think so. Still I can't deny that I feel more confident since I lost the weight that I gained earlier this year. Weight that I gained as a response to the death of my grandmother and the stress of losing my job. I have spent the summer resurrecting clothes from the back of my closet. It's been like getting a whole new wardrobe, which has been kind of cool. Even better, has been how I have felt in my clothes. I feel confident and sexy. I am by no means skinny. Nor would I really want to be even though it would mean that I might look better in photographs. I like being curvy. I love my breasts and that my waist though not as defined as I would like still creates a look that tricks the eye into believing that I have hips. I don't really have hips or an ass but thats okay, because I have boobs. Everybody likes boobs. Even people who say that they don't, really do. So here I am fitting into a size 4 pair of pants and feeling pretty good about it, but still not really knowing why. Except that I like it when I look good in clothes that I own and I like feeling sexy and attractive. So that's it, and to be fair I also bought a pair of pants in size 6 and feel cute in those too.