Camelot

Bile rises
as you kiss my throat.

Your hand at my waist,
my stomach in knots.

My body betrays my heart.
Despite my best intentions,
I do not desire you.

And so I let my mind wander
to pleasant afternoons
on foreign shores.

Thus distracted I can long endure.

My thoughts while watching "Persuasion"

For Caroline Norton

Because I cannot tell you that I love you:

 I will ask about your day,

inquire after your family,

dig for your secrets.

I will say nothing of importance.

Because I cannot tell you that I love you:

 My mouth will feel filled with sand

My lips like parchment

My tongue will swell and consume my whole mouth.

Petrified I will become as stone and wood.

Because I cannot tell you that I love you:

 I will endure your teasing,

welcome your beatings,

 beg your forgiveness.

(My skin under your touch, lightning during the storm.)

Because I cannot tell you that I love you:

My stomach will knot,

my legs  shake,

 my knees falter.

The unpredictability of my legs mirrors your actions.

Because I cannot tell you that I love you:

I will suffer.

Silently willing my wayward heart home again.

I am not distracted by the mess

The piles of clothes, books, and movies

in the living room

create a soothing cocoon

around my wayward heart.

Lying on the corner of the couch

my head on your shoulder

the truth of our friendship

sits patiently behind my lips.

In progress...(on my morning drive)

Your eyes are the color of the sky before the storm,
when all the air is both ominous and safe. 

A world in silent anticipation,
 like a lover under the lash
 never knowing when the lighting will strike.

 In hushed tones, you tell me I belong to you.
Foolishly, I believe that you are mine. 

I am addicted to the sugar that you give me.

Addicted to sugar

Saccharine will not do.

Addicted to sugar

It’s the time I spend with you.

Addicted to sugar

Sprinkled on the side.

Addicted to sugar

I've long since lost my pride.

Addicted to sugar
my tears taste of salt

Addicted to sugar

And I refuse to stop.