Upon waking from a fight

I didn't fall asleep till 6 

and now I'm up at 9. 

I'd like to tell you that I wept, 

but I'm too tired to cry.

I am not a meal served

 by the ringing of a bell.

No, I am just a woman 

who stumbled thrice and fell.

I cheated on your treasured trust

broke your heart, left you betrayed

this I fear will never heal

and is the cause of our dismay

I do not know I can repent

much more for what I've done

so please will you stop punishing me?

by taking away your love

I told you and I've shown you

that i have grown and changed

yet we are both held hostage

to thoughts you know deranged

now that the past has gone away

and the future lies ahead

it should matter no more what I wear

than the curls on my head

my heart is yours (you know that's true)

but my body and my mind

are something that belong to me

and I keep them with pride

Fickle

perhaps I'll cry tomorrow
I cannot cry today
my tears do not have time for me
nor have I time for they

So I'll put off my sorrow
with hopes that it will pass
while knowing in my heart of hearts
how long heartbreak can last

my voice will sound no feeling
my face be made of stone
you've sent my world reeling
now that your heart has gone

Bygones

my heart is all apologies
my mouth
my lips
my mind
I would rather hurt myself
than cause your eyes to cry.

Yet with every little part of me
I want to run and hide
from all your condemnations
recriminations and despair
as all the things I've done before
cloud and choke the air

we cannot breathe
the past is dust
and fresh air lies ahead
but first we have a task to do
put a demon in its bed

there's a madman
that's been stalking us
wearing your coat and hat
he feeds on pain and misery
and hides inside my flat

the rooms of my heart await you
but this impostors at the door
he's sniveling and crying
begging always for some more

just a bit more of my soul
my friendships my desire
until all that is left of me
is ashes in a pyre

So let us put the past away
let the bygones go
for forgiveness builds upon itself
and with it sorrows go.

You are the whole
of all my love
and all I am is yours
but I must see the real you
before I open up the door

It must be clear
that you my love
can see me for who I am
a woman who is complicated
who wants you as her man

Oh yes he sends me..yes he does..

because you send me
I am willing to do the work
to rearrange the furniture
redesign the curtains
make my heart
a safe place to call home

because you send me
I look at the world
with new eyes
I am repentant
of past mistakes

because you send me
my body
my heart
my mind
all belong to you

Kissing

kiss me
hard
pressing
lips into mine
biting
tongues
toying lips

Guarded

sentinels guard
the gate
of my heart
which lies
bruised
beaten
belittled
and
afraid

should they drop their armor?
allow fresh air
Sunshine
and
new love
to heal
all those
broken places
the rips, tears, abrasions
that once kept me from your side

warm against your back
curled in your arms
contrasted against white sheets
my wistful glances
looking inward
staring down the guards
shining armor
sharpened blades
a standing army
ready to retire

missing words

If the words
are missing
let my actions
speak
volumes
chapter by chapter
I unfold before you

sending you images
hoping
to conjure
a smile

bringing you
medicine
doctors
and
smoke

a flower
against the wall
searching always
for the sun

are you ever afraid of death?
afraid of blinking out of existence
like a lightbulb
burnt out
forgotten

a mind awash with thought
like so many dried leaves
in a pond
brackish water
and the stench of decay

fear consumes me
like ants on picnic scraps
picking clean the bones of hope

Tomorrow
 seems
far off tonight
a thousand sunrises
lay


between


tonight


and



dawn

conversation

All day long I waited for your call.
Then when night has fallen, you call me.
Though by then, I am busy.
My life continues on with or without you.
Though I miss you
like a flower that misses the sun
on a cloudy day.
Yet, I snipped the bud of our conversation
before it could bloom
just to prove to myself
that I could.

will your heart come calling?

I give you too much affection
but know not where your heart has gone
does it wander in the desert?
dry, desolate, alone.
Or will it come a'calling?
to call my heart its home.

Yes, will your heart come calling?
and call my heart its home.

connection

your blue eyes
are as distant
as your voice
on the phone
barely a whisper
your breath
in my ear
thoughts
that can't escape
your mouth or mind

longingly
craving a connection
the static between us
breaks down the line

Paths

you light my heart up

make my face beam 

trip up my breath in my throat

leave me dizzy with anticipation.

Yet, I feel your fear

like a knife at my heart

and I am wounded

afraid that you will cut me open

spill my insides to the ground. 

Around you my mind whirs

I am running and look to see you beside me

we are climbing through a jungle of ideas

finding meadows of contentment 

rolling in the grass of our thoughts

but judgements come 

like storm clouds

obscuring the sun 

controlling the progression of our day

as the path darkens before us

lighting torches to find a new way

my mind is a swirl of contradiction

shall I continue on this path with you

or blow this fire out?

Romantic Hope (a silly rhyme)

fight for love
and all it holds
the promise
as the truth unfolds
that we were meant
just you and me
to be together
that's what I see.

Hope has already gone.

I could write to you
put my letters in a bottle
send them into the sea.

stand upon the shore
wait for your reply
until the cold winds come
and the darkness falls down around me.

somewhere the sun is shining
and the tide laps at the shore
bottled letters wash up
but hope has already gone.

Diary

I fear I shall always be alone.
Unloved.

As I am?

Can you take me as I am?

flawed?
perfect?

A woman with worn down shoes?

Slept in clothes?

Mussed hair?

Known by many close friends?

Can you take me as I am?

If you can't, just walk out the door.

blocked
my mind
grasps at words
but they
slip
away

out there in the ether..a song on the beach

out there
in the ether
just out of reach
there's a man
that I am looking for
I've lessons
to teach

there's faith
and forgiveness
there's love
and there's hope

these lessons
I've learned
have opened
my heart

out there
in the ether
walking out
on the shore
there's a man
that I'm hoping
that I'll see once more

we've so much
to talk about
so much we can share
though the pain
we once caused
may be too much to bear

there's loss
and there's sorrow
lies and betrayal

these sins
I've committed
have put me
on trial

out there in the ether
just out of reach
there's a man
that I love
Who I'm longing to see

perhaps
one day soon
he will want to see me.

yes
perhaps
one day soon
he will want to see me.

like trees

for years I had a lover
with green grass eyes
and I watched
as he grew away from me.

then I took a lover
whose eyes were ocean blue
and I watched
as he swam away from me.

then I fell for another
sky blue eyes, cloud colored skin
sunshine in his hair
and I blew up such a storm
that he drifted away from me.

now each night I pray
that I find a love
whose brown eyes
reflect mine own
that we may be rooted together
like trees

like trees we will grow
together
like trees we will look
out upon the sea
like trees we will reach
to the sky
our branches intwined
for eternity.

Moral Crimes

In Kabul,
they'd put me in prison
for my crimes.

But here I am free.

locked out
my prison has no walls
but the ones around
your heart.

I shall write you

I shall write you
when I get my ring,
the one that once signified
that I belonged to another.

I shall write you
to say that my life is full
with dances, friends, and parties.

I shall write you
when my ring returns
engraved with new meaning.

I shall write you
with hope, love, and longing
but knowing
that truly,
this flower can bloom
without your sun.

ghost

my scent
haunts you
a ghost
in your sheets


lipstick stains
your bathroom mirror
the illusion
of a kiss
upon your cheek

with soap
and water
I disappear
like a dream I float away
into the river of regret.

Tess

I feel like Tess
and you
my Angel

my sins took
you
as far away
as Brazil

Endearment

call me flower
I'd like to bloom
forever
basking
in
sunshine

Causality of truth

sins

like skunk

cannot be washed away

casualties

of truth

line the road

to redemption

truth

has a smell

a stench

that pervades

all lies

the scent of my lies

lilies

by the gravesite 

of lost love

his body

buried

by the road

with all that I've done

Woke up this morning
waited till noon
had a cigarette
thought of you
wished that you'd fought for me
the way that I fought for you

Although it was crazy
and perhaps deranged
showing at your work
a moment so strange
I poured my heart out
left it on the floor
watched as you stomped it
as you walked out the door

hold on to the pain
of all that I've done
but don't know the half
of what I've become
In the darkness I'm weak
alone and afraid
scared I'll always live
with moments of shame

I'd tell you the truth
but I know that you'd run
Wish I could trust you
with all that I've done.

burnt

the silence between us

is as boundless as the sea

I've no boat to cross

the rocky waters of our past

missing you

I wander the desert

a flower in search of rain

scorched in the heat

the shame of my disgrace

burns my cheeks

bridges burnt

by reckless hurt

you are always

just out of reach

life

life

a collection

of husbands

lovers

cigarettes

broken hearts
and

past regrets

Where I think you belong

the doctor was tough today
she's not letting me off the hook
the challenge I've laid
I have to pick up
and like Yoda she tells me
there is no try

I'm not trying to prove it
to anyone but myself
I miss you
and must rely
on other friends
to hold me up
fill me up
as I empty out
all the negativity
of past months

later
when I am full
it won't matter
anymore
if you come back
where I think you belong

Fits and Starts (in progress...)

perhaps
we will have
an impossible love

our story
in fits and starts
stutters

your voice
as it echoed
down the hall
drove into my heart
a memory
so strong
my knees
became weak
I fell to the floor

my addictions
broke us
I'm not the girl
I was before

perhaps

we will have

an impossible love

our story

in fits and starts

hopes to find

its song

wake alone

wake alone
morning
past mistakes
swirl and slip through me
like dreams
they fall away.


wrapped in blankets
a cocoon
I hold myself
awaiting my own
transformation.

s

I came before you repentant 

A prodigal girl 

Wanting 

home in your arms 

On my knees 

Begging 

Your forgiveness

As far away as the moon

validation

 smoke and explosions 

crowds who cheer

none of it masks

the depth of my fear

that all you wanted

was the feeling you got

the warmth of my body

under your touch

Angels

The fireworks reflected off the windows of the cars
 like a thousand sparkling diamonds

The cacophony of alarms and explosions 

mixed with the cheers of the crowd

as I walked alone,

 the cigarette in my hand 

replacing the warmth of your touch.

you have become a stranger

standing on a distant shore

welcoming new friends with open arms

while waving goodbye to the past

your back always turned from me

You say past is prologue

Past is not prologue
we are not bound
like slaves
to the wheel
of our histories
turning
over
and
over
creating
a rut
in the ground

No
instead
we are trailblazers
owning our destinies
mixing desire and development
crafting new paths
breaking old chains
becoming
who we want to be

Crazy he calls me

It cost me 60 dollars
for you to laugh in my face
and call me a tiger
but I'd do it all again

lay my heart on the floor
red at your feet
and watch you dance
all over my despair

your blue eyes
ice in your veins
all our bridges burnt
by your pride and my pain

and you can call me crazy
if you want to

Sparkling bubbles of regret

your name came up today
quite by accident
it floated to the top
of my little world
disturbed the surface
POP!
ripples
waves across my heart

remorse crosses my mind
like a hitchhiking veteran
coming back from the war
between my heart
and
my fear filled head

grey coat soldiers
won that war
my heart, still bitter
with
sparkling bubbles of regret

we missed our moment

and..

I miss you


your blues eyes

your sly smile

your sunshine

parties and junkies

I shot the junkies
poisoned the party goers
cleaned up the streets
and went back to the suburbs of my heart

And I remember
standing naked
in your living room

while you threw a party
for somebody else

I should have gone home then
gotten my gun
put two in my heart
and laid the last junkie to rest.

morning after

open up my brain
sun-drenched
morning
on the porch
breeze in my curls
and the sound of water

the night in a blur
through smoke
through the haze

could I spend my summer here?
hiding away
birds, dogs, and parties.

5000 mile salad

hiding
your arms
a safe haven

hiding
your room
an island

but this
cannot go on
its unsustainable

like the 5000 mile salad
caught between
the energy crisis
and my hunger

wanting
always wanting.
unfilled.

gorging myself
on you
yet
still empty
hiding
away
in your
arms.

No safe harbor

on the 5
at midnight
think of you
light a cigarette
fire in my heart
smoke in my eyes
my hands are now
to busy to phone

Not dating

Now don't you go a'lyin

to say you're only friends

I find your stories trying

to hard the truth to bend

I swore I'd never hurt you

you never swore the same

 now that you've abandoned me

I am left to play this game

to watch you court another

while my heart aches in pain.

But do not think I want you

No, with you I am done

I'll sooner look to others

with which to have some fun

I'm done with all the playing

I'm done with all the lies

I'm off to find my joy now

with some other guys.

Broken

Once the initial shock wore off there was a profound emptiness and a questioning voice that wondered if anything had ever been real. She would often find her self staring at her hands, her shoes, or her face in the mirror and wonder who this person was. Her life had become disconnected from the ground and she was left with the perpetual sensation that she was floating above everything unable to land. Her heart, once warm and safe in the arms of her lover now betrayed her with every beat. Not even sleep offered a respite from the pain, for even in sleep she dreamed of nothing but loss and hardship. She often woke thinking she had been shot or stabbed in some graphic attack on her person and in that moment she would reach out for comfort and find only emptiness. It seemed as though this pain was likely to continue indefinitely and it was this thought that terrified her more than any other.

The loss of your friendship
weighs heavier
upon me
than the loss
of your heart
or mine

for hearts never given
can never be lost
but friendship
when  its real
should never be far off.

I fell hard and fast
like an egg
from the top
of
The Empire State Building.
my heart
splat
upon the pavement
you wouldn't recognize
the mess
it became
spread out
flattened
nothing
to protect it
or hold it together.

no yellow signs on the road

If your desire
was a deep
as the sea
inside your eyes
then nothing would
arrest
your heart,
as it chased after mine

but the truth
so much darker
empty
bleak
and void
its not your
fear
or caution
that keeps you
from my side

void

There is an emptiness
that resonates in my fingers
resides in my toes
makes a cavern of my heart

There is truth
that cannot be spoken
a pain to real to face
the truth is
I was nothing
just a body to fill your space

I left no mark upon your life
your home
or heart
or mind

Its as if I was never there
and this suits you just fine.

Trista

Yes, I love you.
Isn't that enough?
To satisfy your soul.

Spring

I know how it will go,
T.S. Eiliot told me so
 I will wander in The Waste Land
if you remain Prufrock out in the cold.

I should beware the ides of March
lest I find my heart bleeding
on the steps of all we hold dear

My heart is a sheath for your knife.

I will buy myself lilacs
to mourn our passing
and wear them in my hair
through all of April

In the Spring
Peaches will ripen
and fall to the ground
wasted.

Sex is not a whore

a sexual woman
is not your whore
her desires
do not diminish her heart

your cock is not her god
your kisses not angels

desire washes over her
but it doesn't drag her humanity
out to sea
rather it washes her clean
of all the ambiguity
the rigid starch
formality
of playing at not wanting
what every human wants

but her desire
does not make her
your whore, your mistress, your slut.

be joyful of the sexual woman
revel in the privilege of her favors
respect the enormity of her heart

I waited all night
for the sound of your voice
but met only silence

it waited for me
hovering about my room
like some perturbed ghost
knocking over my things
rooting through the closets of my heart
creating a mess of my emotions.

My phone sits perched on my pillow
like a blackbird
it holds all my dreams
but it will not sing tonight.

for a moment
when you kissed me
I dreamed we had a future
but then I woke to find you
with your arms around another