ghost

my scent
haunts you
a ghost
in your sheets


lipstick stains
your bathroom mirror
the illusion
of a kiss
upon your cheek

with soap
and water
I disappear
like a dream I float away
into the river of regret.

Tess

I feel like Tess
and you
my Angel

my sins took
you
as far away
as Brazil

Endearment

call me flower
I'd like to bloom
forever
basking
in
sunshine

Causality of truth

sins

like skunk

cannot be washed away

casualties

of truth

line the road

to redemption

truth

has a smell

a stench

that pervades

all lies

the scent of my lies

lilies

by the gravesite 

of lost love

his body

buried

by the road

with all that I've done

Woke up this morning
waited till noon
had a cigarette
thought of you
wished that you'd fought for me
the way that I fought for you

Although it was crazy
and perhaps deranged
showing at your work
a moment so strange
I poured my heart out
left it on the floor
watched as you stomped it
as you walked out the door

hold on to the pain
of all that I've done
but don't know the half
of what I've become
In the darkness I'm weak
alone and afraid
scared I'll always live
with moments of shame

I'd tell you the truth
but I know that you'd run
Wish I could trust you
with all that I've done.

burnt

the silence between us

is as boundless as the sea

I've no boat to cross

the rocky waters of our past

missing you

I wander the desert

a flower in search of rain

scorched in the heat

the shame of my disgrace

burns my cheeks

bridges burnt

by reckless hurt

you are always

just out of reach

life

life

a collection

of husbands

lovers

cigarettes

broken hearts
and

past regrets

Where I think you belong

the doctor was tough today
she's not letting me off the hook
the challenge I've laid
I have to pick up
and like Yoda she tells me
there is no try

I'm not trying to prove it
to anyone but myself
I miss you
and must rely
on other friends
to hold me up
fill me up
as I empty out
all the negativity
of past months

later
when I am full
it won't matter
anymore
if you come back
where I think you belong

Fits and Starts (in progress...)

perhaps
we will have
an impossible love

our story
in fits and starts
stutters

your voice
as it echoed
down the hall
drove into my heart
a memory
so strong
my knees
became weak
I fell to the floor

my addictions
broke us
I'm not the girl
I was before

perhaps

we will have

an impossible love

our story

in fits and starts

hopes to find

its song

wake alone

wake alone
morning
past mistakes
swirl and slip through me
like dreams
they fall away.


wrapped in blankets
a cocoon
I hold myself
awaiting my own
transformation.

s

I came before you repentant 

A prodigal girl 

Wanting 

home in your arms 

On my knees 

Begging 

Your forgiveness

As far away as the moon

validation

 smoke and explosions 

crowds who cheer

none of it masks

the depth of my fear

that all you wanted

was the feeling you got

the warmth of my body

under your touch

Angels

The fireworks reflected off the windows of the cars
 like a thousand sparkling diamonds

The cacophony of alarms and explosions 

mixed with the cheers of the crowd

as I walked alone,

 the cigarette in my hand 

replacing the warmth of your touch.

you have become a stranger

standing on a distant shore

welcoming new friends with open arms

while waving goodbye to the past

your back always turned from me

You say past is prologue

Past is not prologue
we are not bound
like slaves
to the wheel
of our histories
turning
over
and
over
creating
a rut
in the ground

No
instead
we are trailblazers
owning our destinies
mixing desire and development
crafting new paths
breaking old chains
becoming
who we want to be

Crazy he calls me

It cost me 60 dollars
for you to laugh in my face
and call me a tiger
but I'd do it all again

lay my heart on the floor
red at your feet
and watch you dance
all over my despair

your blue eyes
ice in your veins
all our bridges burnt
by your pride and my pain

and you can call me crazy
if you want to

Sparkling bubbles of regret

your name came up today
quite by accident
it floated to the top
of my little world
disturbed the surface
POP!
ripples
waves across my heart

remorse crosses my mind
like a hitchhiking veteran
coming back from the war
between my heart
and
my fear filled head

grey coat soldiers
won that war
my heart, still bitter
with
sparkling bubbles of regret

we missed our moment

and..

I miss you


your blues eyes

your sly smile

your sunshine