sleep deprived

you
 can pack
 a weeks worth
 of clothes under my eyes

Apology

I just wanted to tell you that I know there were times when I was shitty to

you, and I'm really sorry.

No need to respond, I just wanted you to know that I know.  I hope you're

doing well.

Because I am a masochist

I read your flaccid apology

over and over again

hoping to imbue it with substance.

empty and hollow,

a facsimile of feigned regret.

Its three sentences

form a thin body

that lies,

sans the details of contrition

wan upon the page.

You do not even desire my response.

A cruel reality bravely borne.

Her mind was a map of memories and as she traversed each road she discovered new paths of pain. Every new connection reminded her of the love she had lost. Where could she go? Nowhere was safe. Every song, every article, every sidewalk and familiar place brought with it infinite opportunities to create these the connections within her mind. Even the simple act of the sun shining on the freeway asphalt made her recall the long drives to his door. All of her natural habits now betrayed her. She could no more seek out the arms of another to obliterate the memory of his skin than she could slice the flesh from her bones. For better or for worse he had changed her. Imbued with this new knowledge she couldn't help but see the futility of her former actions. He had civilized her.  Nor could she roam the internet without risking stumbling across some article that she would have, in a former life, shared immediately with him. He had at once enlightened her and abandoned her. Unable to share these new thoughts with the one who had helped give them birth she was left to parent her growing consciousness alone.

Was it any wonder that she missed him? Who could she speak to now that would understand? She looked around and saw no one. All at once despair welled up inside her threatening her hard won calm. After all throughout the majority of their friendship it was his mind she had admired first and foremost. Her love for his body having taking longer to mature. Although it was worth noting that she missed his body. Each night, in bed, she replaced the warmth of the electric blanket with heat of his pale body near hers. Mornings were a cruel reality bravely borne.

Emotional Cripple

I loved you
for your imperfections
webbed toes
thinning hair

emotional cripple
that you are
I loved you.

Manumission

I wasn't separating my emotions from sex
like yolks from the whites.
I was scrambled up in you.
So completely yours
that I needed release.

My body ached from unexpressed pain,
your whip set it free.

hiding my tears
beneath my curls
leaving my body,
behind

a sea of red welts
swim slightly down my thigh
up my back
break skin on my hip.

later when I join myself
my face buried in sheets
I can feel you
inside
lighting me up,
an energy so strong
it could have been mistaken for love

At the finale
my mouth is on you
I vibrate with pleasure
and for just one moment
we share bliss

and I am bound to you further
denied my release
alone

my sadness mounts
welling up inside
my mind
and mouth
flowing out of me
I make a final request for freedom.
Manumission having been my goal
from the start.

Not once not for a moment

I didn't think of you all day

not once

not for a moment

at no point did I close my eyes

and remember 

two clear blue pools of light

I have forgotten

the lemongrass scent

of your hair.

the sound of your voice
a distant echo

down the hallway of my mind

my skin no longer aches

to feel your touch

all memories of your kiss

have abandoned ship

my disciplined mind

doesn't miss our agile conversations

No I didn't think of you at all today,

not once,

not even for a moment.

Alexi Murdoch -Shine

I wonder why
We are the way we are
And so I wonder why
We are the way we are
And why
We only love each other from afar
This is how we are fading
This is how we are fading
Time
Time
You spend your days watching the door
Yeah you spend your whole life waiting
But you dont know what for
You have everything you need right here
Still you want more
Ow this how we are fading
This is how we are fading
Time
Time
Well I didn't come here
Looking for a soul
And I'm tired of watching dust collecting all above
I'm a spirit trying to be human
I'm just a spirit trying to be human
But im thinking
This is how we are fading
Whis is how we are fading
Time
Time
You hold on to yourself
You're afraid that you might get left behind
And so you hide your eyes
You're afraid that the lie will make you blind
But it's time
It's time to shine
Yes it's time to believe in what you know
Time to believe in what you know
Time to believe in what you know
And you don't need strength te be strong
Time to believe in what you know
No you don't need strength te be strong
Time to believe in what you know
Time to believe in what you know
Time to believe in what you know
Time to believe in what you know
Time to believe the far you go

This will only end in tears.

doubt

doubt creeps in
like cat burglar
rummaging through my thoughts
picking out the jewels of hope
and absconding with them
through the window

Correspondence

I've kept all your correspondence
when read together
I can see our story
unfold before me

flirting in our friendship
guarded in our fears
venting all your anger
to all just end in tears

letting go

I'm letting go of loving you
it hurts in every pore.
as the bruises fade
from my skin
my heart's bruises
deepen more

the path
we walked
was jagged rocks
pain with every step
yet I would travel
back that way
to be in your arms again

Auger

I cannot auger your intentions
from a review of your actions
pick through the entrails of your affection
to determine its meaning

What I should have known

gut voice
a whisper
though loud as a storm

red flags
warnings
so many mines to disarm

years ago
like magnets
attracted then repelled

time has come
I join the list
of those who came before

a history
of broken hearts
mishaps and tortured love