2009 has been the year of letting go, of loss, of rediscovery, and finally of self-acceptance. This year has seen the loss of my only grandmother, my job, and my shame. I have discovered myself to be both a dancer and a flirt. I found that sass has sex appeal. I have found love. I have learned that trying to be anyone else than who I am is not worth the price of admission. If I can’t get in as myself I am not going.
Until now I have never been haunted by regret but I think I will always regret not being in the room when my grandmother died. She didn’t want to die alone but no once could sit with her every minute, so family settled for checking in on her every hour. For my part, I was at work when my grandmother died. Much as she had been for most of my life, my grandmother provided me with an excellent example of how not to do something. In this case, she showed me how not to die. My grandmother’s death was painful, humiliating, and in the end lonely. I pray that this is not my fate.
I lost my job. So do lots of people. I found a new job. It’s not as good as the old one but it’s better than the alternative. Bitching about ones job may be an American pastime but I think I’ll pass.
Dancing allows me to surrender my mind and my body to the needs of another. When I dance I submit to the commands of my lead and the rhythm of the music. In those moments between the beats when all the possibilities of the floor open up to me, I become a space of empty acceptance. It is only through compliance that I am liberated. I suspect that this not the reason that most people dance.
Everybody flirts and so it follows that flirting is fun for all involved. It is certainly a silly endeavor if nothing else. When I flirt I have no other purpose or thoughts than to laugh and play. A little sass and smart mouth makes the game more interesting. Everyone looks good with a little sass on them.
If I can’t get in as myself I am not going. I am striving everyday for self-acceptance but I know this much is true. There is nothing wrong with sarcasm and if you can’t handle that then you need grow up enough to realize that world doesn’t care about your feelings. If I say that I am cute that doesn’t make me vain, it makes me right, if you disagree than your taste is all in your mouth. I can’t try to be calmer or sweeter than I already am. I acknowledge that I am neither particularly sweet nor calm.
Finally, love has many faces and facets. I choose to love many people for as many reasons as their sands in the hourglass. Even as time passes I make a choice everyday to love. I love you if you are my friend, my rock, or my soul mate. If you have seen me through crazy and through calm, through the pouting and through peace then I love you. Your love guides me, keeps me, and saves me. Without you I am lost.
