bent over a desk
skirt torn
panties down
or
up down upon the floor
laid out,
pinned down
groaning in pleasure
but the odds of this happening
are infinitesimal
I mean, how would I ever get to meet Clive Owen?
And who's to say he'd want to fuck me?
not that I am not imminently fuckable
its just that..
I've a better chance of winning the lotto.
I've a better chance of getting you to love me.
1 comment:
I really like this.
It's raw, hot, vulnerable, vivid. I like the imagery. I like the specifics. It tells me something about you, and I really like the fact that it's a poem about sexuality, but doesn't seem prurient (big word--I had to look it up when I first heard it). It seems more about you craving what you want.
A couple of thoughts, without being prescriptive:
panties down
or
up down upon the floor
This threw me, and I had to reread it a couple of times. Then I realized why. This would fix it, and doesn't change a word, but improves your flow:
panties down
or up
down upon the floor
I also think "infinitesimal" is a bit heady. I'd choose a different word here.
Finally there's the ending. I LOVE where you take it at the end, it's a nice "inhale" as my mentor used to say (an inhale implies an exhale, so an inhale ending is essentially a story or piece that ends with some sort of new beginning, or possibility, or maybe the start of a new poem in your audience's head). I'd change "I've" to "I have" on the last two lines because that matches the cadence of the rest of your piece--just a thought.
As to how it ends, like I said, I love where you take it, but I'm not sure if you want it to end exactly where it does. If you want the poem to feel like you're settling--and how wouldn't anything less than Clive Owen be settling ;-) -- then I think you leave it right where it is. It's great, but there's a slight note of resignation I think if you leave it. If your intention is to open up the world of possibilities, to make this poem really about the possibility of this other person, then I think you need one more line. Something where you invite the new person in some way to be Clive Owen or do what Clive Owen would do. Then the turn at the end feels like the type of settling you could get excited about. I think it all depends on how you want the end to feel.
And ultimately, it's your poem--take or leave any of this as you see fit. Hope it all makes sense.
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